Evolution of a Soul

I don't know about you, but every so often, usually in the wake of some deep discussion, the following question gets posed: Do you think people can really change? I realize that many times this is asked by someone struggling with the potential loss of a relationship or by someone who is slipping into their own rabbit hole as they deal with something dark and lingering. My answer is always the same. Yes, I believe people can change.
However, the bigger question is, do people WANT to change, and what is prompting the change? I don't believe that change conducted for the purpose of maintaining a relationship or winning someone or something over leads to true lasting change. From what I know of the world, that kind of change is surface in behavior and doesn't penetrate to the core of the person. Eventually, either from tiring of the "acting-as-if" or due to a loss of the relationship that prompted the change, there is a reversion back to the original behavior(s). The true lasting changes seem to take root when we stop doing/changing for others and start doing/changing for ourselves.
I use myself as subject matter:
For most of my life, I have been the placator, the person who attempted to lay low and calm the waters. I never wanted to draw attention to myself, or rather I learned from childhood experiences that the kind of behavior that received notice wasn't always met with positive reaction, so I learned to "blend"...to sit back and fade into the paneling, to be quiet and observe. Don't get me wrong, I had the rare environment where I learned it was safe to standout, and could be forceful and more vocal, but more often than not, I chose the path of least resistance. To define that more clearly, that would be least resistance toward authority figures. I learned in early childhood that to step out and defy the daily authority figures in my life was met with scrutiny, discord and even worse sometimes. I became "the good kid." I did what I was told, what was expected of me, and took on the responsibilities and pressures of that role.
Over time, I became afraid of living the way that my soul wished. I followed the path that I was told was "supposed to be." I went to college, got a degree in a reasonable major, married a month after graduation, and had a baby two years later. I did what I was told, and yet, I found myself unfulfilled, longing for something more. I've struggled with that sensation for years...feeling a strong sensation of quiet discontent...knowing that in my perceived necessity to be "good", I have lost moments with both others and myself that I can never get back...said words I can't unsay, and also missed the opportunity to say things I should have.
The question of people changing has been asked of me many times in the last six or eight months. Initially, I dismissed the queries with my standard answer (see above), and then I began to look more closely. Why was this question continuing to present itself to me...repeatedly...over such a short period of time? Others were asking the question of me, but maybe the answer wasn't for them to hear, but for me to hear and listen.
Several poignant events have occurred in the last year that have suddenly found me smack in the middle of my own change...an evolution of my soul, if you will. I used to find myself "changing" for another - acting "as if" I was something I was not, didn't even really WANT to be when I looked honestly at the choice. I've had many a-ha moments, as Oprah calls them, recently. I've begun the process of clearing off all of the boxes, dust and trash that has slowly and methodically been placed on top of the person I was or wanted to become. Not the placating person I have existed as, but the REAL me that so long ago I told myself it was not ok to be or that I did not have the ability to be. I've discovered that the quiet shy nonathletic girl I convinced myself I was, is actually pretty darned adventurous, afraid of very little, and quite physically capable. When I stopped judging myself and telling myself that this thought or that behavior was "wrong" (authority speaking), I found that I had very little desire to judge someone else. I've learned that I can take in what others have to say about what I "should" do, or I can choose to leave it and say "thanks, but no thanks." I've realized that I don't have to accept inappropriate behavior that crosses my boundaries in uncomfortable or disrespectful ways and have every right to either meet the behavior head on and speak to the person about it, or I can just remove myself from the situation...and that both choices are life affirming. I've also come to the very acute awareness that just as I am human, so is everyone else. We all stumble and fall. At any given moment I can choose something different: to change direction, to laugh instead of cry, to forgive another or more importantly, to forgive myself. I can apologize when I'm wrong and own my shortcomings. I can begin again, right now in this moment. I can choose to become more fully myself, and with each choice to change, it seems to be followed by a greater awareness and further evolution.
The greatest gift of this "evolution" has been the serenity that has accompanied the change. I always feared stepping into the unknown (False Evidence Appearing Real). However, these steps are actually bringing peace, a sense of knowing myself and trusting the longings of my own heart; which, oddly, is what I've longed for all this time. I know my limits, which is more accurately knowing that I have NO limits.
Do I believe people can REALLY change? Yes. I am changing at this very moment.

Questions for the Loved and the Loveless

How does one go from deeply connected "in love" to soul-crushingly desperate to escape the same lover? Is it a boundary issue and a loss of personal space? Is it a false sense of love created by a reality of co-dependency? Is it a wanted, yet hated enmeshment that becomes suffocating? Do we fear alone-ness so much that we cling to and "love" another to the point of ceasing to love ourselves? And, if it's a process and a road that we travel down to arrive at that point of disconnect, shouldn't there be a return path that allows us to rediscover the best of both our self and our lover before deciding to scrap it all in a fit of rage, heartache and depletion of the soul?
I don't have answers to these questions. Theories, perhaps. Guesses, at best. Why DO some who love one another deeply maintain lifelong commitments, and others find themselves wishing, after their relationship lies in tattered and torn pieces, they had been able to repair it even well after it's gone? Those torn-asunder relationships leaving an endless scattering of "what ifs" in their wake.
I've seen people/couples grow, change, pull away and come back together, so I know it can be done. But does it take a certain "type" of person (people) for that to occur, or is it just how the wind blows on any given day? Are we all Forrest Gumps watching that random feather float and dance along a wind?
Some ascribe to the notion that everything is in divine order. It all happens for a reason. The most faithful of which can trust in this sentiment even in the darkest of moments. For many more, we can say we feel this way only when life is "good", and things are going our way. Some dismiss this notion all together...we have free will, and therefore, WE are in control of all that comes our way. "There is no such thing as 'luck'. We create it ourselves."
My personal belief lies somewhere in a balance of these concepts. I don't fully subscribe to the idea that every breath I take and every page I turn is all part of a Master Plan. "God said put your left foot forward, now your right and turn down this street at 3:05 PM..." I do believe in lessons from experiences that help me to grow and become. I want to trust in the verse from the Bible that says God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but I must also say that's not always an easy one to swallow when my heart is breaking, or the car needs ANOTHER expensive repair or a good friend is suffering a terrible disease.
On the flip side, I also have seen this world be indeed round! Sometimes, it takes a while to come back, and sometimes it's a more rapid return. Based on my experiences, karma exists, and sometimes I need to duck when it comes back around like a freight train in high gear....
However, as I sit in my late 30's and keep one eye on 40, I wonder what my karmic law is that I am single still, nearly 9 years after divorce. I have had a couple of long term relationships that have started well with the promise of love and commitment, and ended tragically....tears, heartache, angry words, and all. It's never easy to let go, even if you know it's the right choice. Does our heart only get so many opportunities to love before the scar tissue becomes so tough and the soul so weak that to imagine another love is to risk falling over an abyss that one might never climb out of again should our lover leave?
In some more intimate conversations with some close friends, I've been asked all kinds of questions: Do you believe you have only one perfect match, a soul mate, and if you miss it, that's all there is? Do you believe that you can truly be happy with just one person for the rest of your life? Do you think you'll ever find love again...someone that you would want to marry, and if so, how do you know? Am I too old to find a lifetime of love? Are there any good ones out there who aren't married or gay (or married but portraying themselves as single on dating websites)?
The truth is...I don't know. I wish I did, but as I'm still single and searching myself, I just don't have those kinds of answers. My jury is currently out.